Help! My son came out to us (me and my wife) a month ago. I'm gay and haven't told my wife, but was ready to do so until he dropped that bombshell. Now I feel like I can't come out! I don't know what to do?
-Secret Gay Dad
So your son (of unknown age) comes out to his parents, which you're half of. It's a momentous occasion to him. A huge deal. Major. And all you can think about is how it affects you? What a great dad you are! By which I mean what an awful dad you are!
He managed to come out despite your poor role modeling the same thing. As if no man/woman marriages have existed in which one or both people come out. Yeah, there was an Oprah where the man and the woman both came out to each other.
By the way, I love that I had to add "man/woman" before marriage because there are all kinds of marriages and just saying marriage doesn't mean hetero. Thank you Supreme Court (by which I mean thank you 40+ years of same-sex marriage activism. Yes it took that long.
Anyhow, you can come out. You should come out. You're wrong not to come out. But you're afraid to come out. You were not "ready to do so until he dropped that bombshell." You were thinking maybe you were always ready to do so but were going to wait for a double rainbow unicorn warrior to fly by with both him and his unicorn wearing Absolut Vodka sponsored jet packs with rainbow glitter stickers coated in gay porn star semen as some sort of sign.
You'll do it when pigs fly. Well pigs flew and you haven't done it.
So I guess find a counselor. A hot one. And have an affair with him. Or if you're already doing that, then suck his dick harder. Maybe you'll suck so hard, you'll be so gay you wrap around to straight again. Like a Kinsey 7 is actually a Kinsey 1. Sociology!
Otherwise, you'll end up accidentally sucking off your son (or he you) at one of those mall gloryholes you frequent. Or you might accidentally hire him as an escort.
Remember, gay is good. You were in the closet because society forced you there, but that's really in your head. So get it out of your head and be yourself. You deserve that. As for your wife, she may want to listen to this classic from Falsettos, though listening to it will make you even gayer, if that were possible, you big fruit.
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