Forget the bdsm mantra "safe sane consensual." These anal disasters come under the heading of unsafe, insane, non-consensual humiliation. It's one thing to stick something unusual up your ass. It's another to have no way to get it out and end up at the emergency room lying about what happened.

It's like the rectum and lower colon is Sarah Palin. Her dumb as a bag of rocks words are the unusual object. And Katie Couric's interview questions are the shoving hand. No, Sarah, nobody will ever forget that interview and your humiliation. And now here are some more things we can't unsee.

Check out the dildo stuck up that asshole that the person then tried to retrieve with salad tongs, and then lost the salad tongs up there too. For the record, if you're going to shove something up you that doesn't have a wide, flared base, put it in a condom and hold onto the open end as insurance. You don't want a vibrator buzzing inside you with no place to displace its heat but your poor colon walls.

Then top right is a fucking jar of peanut butter. Remember "Choosy Moms Choose Jif!"

And what else do we have? A vibrator (no salad thongs this time). Then a key. And there would have been other stuff stuck up that particular hole but that was a key to a locked chest full of butt toys.

Next an iPod. Leave that type of anal intrusion to the professionals. And no, Apple warranties don't cover "Acts of Ass."

Then a handy flashlight, pointed in the wrong direction. And finally, just in time for Christmas shopping season, a candy cane. Possibly as a lure for Santa Claus. Or maybe that person's ass has a sweet tooth. How did the doctors get the candy cane out? Hours of pepperminty rimming.

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